In honor of Thanksgiving Day, I present the following poetastrical pamperistrophe, composed several years ago by its own author, myself namely.

Why You Shouldn’t Eat an Elephant

You shouldn’t eat an elephant
Because they’re so intelligent.
You might think that’s irrelevant,
But I would disagree.

Besides, it’s hard to sell events
Involving eating elephants,
And you would need a swell of friends,
To help you eat an elephant,
And (anyone can tell) offense
Would spread to other elephants,
Who then would come and fell the fence
Encompassing the tenements
Wherein their brother elephants,
Are being topped with condiments
And entering the alimentary
canals
Of denizens of elephantophagial settlements!
Oh, gee!

Now you might say, “Oh, hell! If ants
And flies can eat an elephant
That naturally fell (events
Conspiring to return him to his elements)
Why shouldn’t we?

But please don’t eat an elephant.
It will be just as well; it’s anti-
Elephantic sentiment
To persecute the elephant,
And manifests the contra-pachydermal temperament,
That’s prevalant
Among the cruel consumers of the elephant.
You see?

I hope I’ve spoken well. If any
Body else can tell if any
Better words could quell events
Malignant to the elephants,
Please contact me.

A couple weeks ago at Pikes Peak Market I was unexpectedly joined by beatboxer Abbey Banta on my only rap song, the Record of the Ten Foot Square Hut. I had never performed with a beatboxer before. That’s My Name Is Harriett cracking up, as usual.

I read in a popular magazine that a famous movie person has made a biographical film about Blaze Foley. That was a clever thing to do.

Now, to prove how cool I really am, and to participate in all of the fanfare that is sure to result from Blaze Foley’s birth into a wider sphere of appreciation, here’s a cover of a Blaze song (slightly altered) which I recorded a couple of years ago.

If the movie is a hit, I will begin extensively covering John Vandiver, even though he didn’t write many songs, or Shake Russell, even thought I don’t like his songs that much and he hasn’t died a tragic death. I’ll make a record of twelve different versions of Vandiver’s “Chicken Fried Steak” covered by musicians with connections to Terlingua, while also pretending that I’ve been to Terlingua. Not even Texas music people remember John Vandiver, so he should be a safe bet to protect my obscurantism.

And I’ll always have John Elwood Cook.

… and, in fact, it was. I was especially impressed by the loop-pedal/violin/ukulele/vocal compositions of My Name is Harriett. Those of you who know me will recognize the rarity of a positive sentence involving the phrase “loop pedal” issuing from me. Harriett’s name is spelled with two t’s. Only an complete idiot would ever spell it with one t.

Announcing the first in a series of gigs at the Stagecoach Inn in Manitou, here is the first of a series of posters made from old photos. Most of the photos shall have been taken inside one of two bars in upstate NY once owned and operated by grandmother. A few will be of other interesting sites around the same temporal and locative envelope.

Here are some further samples, coming soon to a poster near you:

Through my friend Mearlan I have been granted an unexpected gig at Axe and the Oak whiskey distillery at the Ivywild School in Colorado Springs this coming Tuesday, April 10, 2018. Mr. Mearlan will start around 6 pm. I shall start around 8 pm. Young Abe Lincoln Splitting Rails would like you to attend. He is seen here taking a break and wishing he were having a whiskey, listening to some fine guitar-playing.

The whiskey’s pretty good there, in general. You should have enough that you enjoy the music slightly more, but not so much that you begin to personally identify with every lyric.

A biology teacher told me that a giraffe sleeps only two hours a day. I asked her which one. She said “Ambrose.”

The ghost of Townes Van Zandt appeared to me, playing pool on a pinball machine at the back of the Liberty in Austin last week. He stared intently without moving throughout all of my sets and those of the acts that followed. A busty blonde honky-tonk gal peeked over his shoulder.

I don’t know why Townes would do this, if not to bestow his blessing upon my upcoming performances in Colorado Springs. Going back to Colorado is, after all, a recurrent theme within his ouvre.

So if you want to honor the good intentions of Pinball Townes, come to Tap Traders this Saturday March 24 between 6 and 9 pm. I’m really playing there this time. I promise.

Austin dates are currently as follows: March 14, 4 pm at Nomad Bar; March 14-17, 6pm at the Liberty. Yes, I’m playing two sets two hours apart at two places on Wednesday. Look at this nice poster which Bryan Nelson of the Liberty cooked up using an original painting by Celeste Ryder.